Update

First off, and the most recent topic of all entries, Bobby and I worked everything out, and everything is back to normal. We are both going to try and be more honest about our feelings.

From all of the stress from that situation, and all of the exams I've had, and am having this week, I got sick. It hit me pretty hard on Friday with a fever, cough and sore throat. I sweat out my fever on Friday night but woke up feeling even worse. I got strep throat, and got antibiotics, but I still wake up every morning feeling terrible. I'm slowly feeling better. It hasn't helped that Philadelphia is in the midst of heat wave.

Regardless that it's going to be in the 90's today and tomorrow before cooling down, I'm counting it as a heat wave. It's no fun for me because I only own one pair of shorts. It's unacceptable.

I have been going through phases of being stressed about midterms, at the moment, I'm feeling pretty good. I had issues with a bunch of questions for my material science midterm so I e-mailed my TA. She eventually got back to me and I ran to meet up and get my questions answered. Upon arriving, she met me in the hallway with a packet of papers. She looked at me and said, "Look, I have a report due, and here are all the answers to all the homework questions." She went on too make me swear that I wouldn't show them to anyone/tell anyone/share them with anyone. I kindly explained that I am older than everyone in my class, and I am not really friends with them, nor would I want to help anyone because I consider myself in competition with everyone in my major. She was happy to hear we felt the same way, and let go of the papers.

I'll keep you posted on my other exams because I still have statics and linear algebra this week.

Easy Situation

So I think that Bobby has decided our relationship is over. I think the reason he keeps telling me it's not official is to let me down slowly. He acts like we're friends in texts and what not. I just don't think he fully understands how hard this is for me.

He has had eight months to get comfortable with the idea that we're not together. He thinks our relationship is going to slip into friendship and everything will be hunky dorey. I wish I could find a way to show him that ending our relationship isn't that simple.

The other problem is that he's been lying to me for months about happy he was. Just to one day crush my whole world and say it's all been a lie. If he did change his mind, how could I ever believe him again.

Today he said that he was sorry that he was happy without me. I always thought he was happy, so I never had a chance to make him happy. Lately, I'm just going through phases of crying, followed by rage. Fun is had by all.

My Enemy #1

My mirror.

I can't deny that I am miserable. I want to be happy, but I think that I'm a long way from that if I am not with Bobby. I know that nothing is official yet, but like I said before, I'm bracing myself for the worst. This morning simply was not a good start to my day.

I wasn't feeling so great when I got out of bed. I scratched one of my mosquito bite scabs and was bleeding. When I walked into the bathroom to take a shower, I of course looked in the mirror. Without a towel on, or even with one, really, I disgust myself. Then I thought, who would want to be with someone who looks like me. I have a gross stomach, massive calves, all muscle or not. Disgusting thighs. I'm covered in stretch marks, from my chubby arms, to my boobs, stomach and thighs. Plus, my boobs look ridiculous, even compared to my fat body.

How will I ever find someone who can love a person like that? I'm covered in scars, on my legs and arms the most, ranging from mosquito bites that were scratched open too many times, and from working in kitchens, to the <i>very old</i> self induced cuts. I have always dated fat guys because I always figured that was all I could get. Bobby is the only person who made me feel good about this body I walk around in, and that even I find repulsive.

I don't like dating fat guys, because honestly, they disgust me. It's because I'm so unhappy with my own body, and yet I don't just date chubby guys, I date ridiculously overweight, unattractive men. That's all I feel like I'm worth. I've been with attractive men, really attractive men, but none of them wanted to be with me beyond the closed doors of a bedroom.

I never thought that I had a poor body image, at least not in years. Now I realize why, when you have a beautiful person telling you all the time how great you look, and that they would love you at any size, how could you feel bad about yourself? The trick now is not to do anything rash, not to become so obsessed that I develop an eating disorder. I can assure that when I ate breakfast this morning, every bite was forced. I didn't want to because I'm so disgusted with myself, but I know eating breakfast jump starts you metabolism

Visit to the Shrink

To say the least, it went as poorly as I expected. I don't know how much detail I can go into without making myself cry. I'm assuming the worst, which is that Bobby doesn't love me anymore, and our relationship is over. I'm hoping for the best, which is that we will somehow work this out and we will be okay. I don't think that is going to happen. Bobby has been unhappy in our relationship for a very long time. The therapy session helped me to get a little bit of closure on the situation, but I don't think that I will ever truely be okay with it, because as I mentioned in my last entry- I really thought Bobby and I would spend the rest of our lives together.

I don't think I can really talk about it anymore. I want to, I want to get everything out of my head, but I'm afraid that if I write, it will become really real, and the perfect man, who was too good to be true, will walk out of my life forever. Maybe when the situation comes to some kind of closure I will be able to write about it. But for now, consider me broken hearted. Losing not only an amazing man, and the man I thought would raise my children, but the amazing and supportive family that came with it, because they are everything that a family should be, and that mine is not. I hope that I can one day understand what has happened here, but I don't think it will be for a very long time.

So in the mean time, I will try and mend my broken heart, and pray for strength, and hopefully if I'm really lucky, Bobby and I can re-build our relationship, on more solid ground.

Prayer and Strength

Bobby has told me that he needs time to think about our relationship. He says he isn't happy and hasn't been happy for a long time. He never acted unhappy because I was happy, and he didn't want to make me unhappy. He tells me it's not my fault and that he's sorry. He tells me that his unhappiness doesn't have to do with me. If that's the case, I don't see how leaving me will make it better.

Before going to bed last night, I said an Our Father, and prayed for the strength to get through this trying time. I asked that if it was His will, to bring Bobby back to me.

I'm so sad, I could barely stop crying. I could barely breath I was so hysterical. During the night he had texted me, and I told him that I loved him and that all I want is him to be happy. He asked me, "Ya well what if in the end us being apart will make me happy? What then? I'm not saying it will but what if?" I told him that I would have to come to terms with it. That it's so hard because just last week we were talking about wedding rings. That I don't think I would ever find someone I love as much.

So now, I'm just prayer for the strength to be strong, and be supportive of the man I love. Regardless of what happens.

I just can't help but think of all our talks about moving away together. We narrowed it down to southern california, kentucky, and pretty much anywhere in the south. We talked about having kids. The amount and genders always changed, but mostly boys and about four, give or take. He wanted to be a stay at home dad, he doesn't want strangers raising his kids. We would talk about different things we would do for them, and discipline, and manners. We would even talk about growing old together, and sitting on the front porch somewhere. Every time we would see an old couple he would tell me that's what we would be like when we got old.

Now, all I can do is pray, and know somehow this will all work out.

Falling Apart

The man of my dreams, the love of my life, is upset with me, and needs time. I'm trying to keep myself together, because I have so much school work, but if I lose him, I will fall apart

Lab Partners and Kids at School

I'm not the most social person in the world, so when I walked into my Experimental Data Lab, I just sat at an empty table and let people come to me. I ended up with the worst lab partner ever. He did the bare minimum during the lab and it only got worse for the lab report. The class is on a Friday so we agreed we would both have our parts done by Tuesday. At least I had my part done. When he finally sent me his part, I spent a half an hour reading it and sending him a detailed e-mail on how he could make it seem like a real college student wrote it as opposed to a 7th grader. Or even one of the smart kids on "Are you Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?".

After he sent me his changes it looked exactly the same as the last one. I did my part, fixed it up, made it pretty, and was done with it. It wasn't worth dealing with my extra special lab partner any more than I had to.

I got to my lab today and made sure I was social. I found a girl who I used to be partners with last year and joined her group. My now former lab partner showed up late to class, (big surprise), and tried to join my group. My group already had the max people, and the TA booted him to another group. My group finished the lab and the lab report with time to spare.

Of course that stupid kid tried to be in my group-I DID ALL THE WORK!!!!!!

Bad Day

After the bright and optimistic blog I wrote this morning, today has been terrible. It started off pretty good. I didn't do that well on my linear algebra test, but I know when I think that, I do better than I thought. Then I had about four hours of free time between classes to catch up on homework.



I figured out how to do all my statics homework by myself, and I got them all right. After Statics, I went to the computer lab to work on my linear algebra. Almost immediately after starting it, I realized I didn't actually know how to do anything.



I went to get help from a teaching assistant (TA) because one was supposed to have office hours. I get there and by office hours he means class. I try to tell the teacher why I was there, and then in typical fashion, I start welling up like I'm going to burst into tears. I'd truly love to know why I do that, I can't control it, but it always happens during one on one conversations where I'm asking for help. Regardless, the teacher trying not to make me cry, quickly starts explaining the lab to me.

After that whole escapade, I have statics. I'm feeling pretty good, I know what I'm doing in that class. Every class we have a quiz at the end. Somehow after my TA explains all the stuff I already figured out how to do, she gives us the quiz. She explained it in the worst way, and I unlearned/no longer understood any of it. Regardless, I'm quite sure, I bombed the quiz.



Lastly, I went back to take the quiz on the linear algebra lab that I recently has explained to me, and I'm locked out. So as I'm sitting here on the train, I'm praying that my TA will get my e-mail sometime soon and rectify the problem, otherwise, it's one of many bad grades I've gotten today

Anti-Depressants and Update

I think I've come to the decision that I no longer need to take anti-depressants. I stopped taking them a while ago, and have been planning on taking them again. With the help of my new shrink I don't think I really need to take them again. It's probably the greatest thing ever. I have had so many terrible shrinks, and I finally have a good one.

Even with school as crazy and hectic as it, I'm keeping it together. I still can't wait until the weekend. I still strongly dislike family holidays, but I deal with them 1000 times better than ever before.

I'm currently in the process of joining The Society of Women Engineers (SWE). I haven't been a part of any extra curricula activities since I was at the Culinary. I used to be the President of the Women Chefs and Restaurateurs, which is kind of like SWE. Plus I was a member of Alliance. I've been slacking at Drexel, but I have more work to do at Drexel outside of class than I ever did at the Culinary.