Roux en Y (part 3)

I met with my nutritionist again, and this time she sees that I am willing to make changes in my life, and she supports my decision. I'm working hard, I changed my eating habits, I'm eating more fruits and veggies, and I have cut back dramatically on my smoking. The meeting went very smoothly. The doctor is now submitting to my insurance to see if they are actually going to pay for it, now that I went through everything else.

I also feel the need to comment to my anonymous commenter... first, I'm sure I know this person well, but I'm surprised at myself, that I can't think of who it would be...

"hey, so it's not really my place to say this, but you should really consider life after that surgery.
Dumping syndrome will make you feel like death if you eat too much food, or if you eat the wrong things. Dumping is like... the worst acid reflux that you could ever imagine, combined with diarrhea and vomiting. and- eating too much isn't like binge eating. Eating too much after you've had this surgery is about as much as a well balanced meal. You won't be able to eat more than... oh... half a chicken breast and some vegetables.You are so young, and you are a culinarian."

I am young, but now is the time to get the surgery before I get any life threatening illness. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I know the risks, and I know what life will be life after. I know that I won't get to gorge myself on creme brulee and truffles, but I got the opportunity to go to culinary school and to eat some amazing food, expensive food, and exotic food. It was like touring the world every meal. I also can still enjoy amazing food, just in moderation, like a normal person would eat it.

You won't be able to enjoy food nearly as much. Rich foods, spicy foods, large meals... I don't know what other health issues you have that are forcing you to make this decision, but if they aren't life threatening, i agree with the nutritionist. You haven't exhausted other options.
what happened to the Claudia who "would never get lipo or weight loss surgery, because it's a cop out- because i can do it myself"? That's what you used to say.

I almost remember saying that. It still is a cop out. After all of the diets, the personal trainers, and the stress, and the endless failure, some people just have to admit they can't do it on their own.

You are depressed, and feeling shitty. So it's easy to give in to the visual imperative of our time. But it won't make you happy. No it won't. The pain pills may help for a while, but I believe in the girl who used to throw for track. I believe in the girl who was the only one on the team who could do their 100 leg lifts. I believe in the girl who would drop it like its hot and drop down and get her eagle on (you do realize that those dance moves are strength training exercises?)

I am often depressed, which of course is pretty shitty, but my unhappiness does not stem from my weight. I have spent a good amount of time having a shrink explain to me that losing weight isn't going to solve my problems. Luckily for me, my depression stems from abuse, not weight. I have never really loved my body, but I have liked being a thick girl, not a typical tiny girl.
I loved doing track, being the strong girl. I still can do a disgusting amount of leg lifts, and I can lift hundreds of pounds with my calves. I can still do all those things, but the muscles that I have from track, and dancing, and personal trainers, and everything else, is unfortunately, covered in fat.

Well, i hope you read this, although i know that the process has started and it won't be stopped. I'm sorry things are tough for you right now, but you can get through it!

The process hopefully won't be stopped. It's incredibly hard for some people to realize, that the hardest part about getting weight loss surgery isn't the tests and the doctors, it's having a personal realization that you just can't do it on your own. You spend months feeling like a failure, and trying harder and harder to do it without help, and you can't. You'll try starving yourself, and weird diets, and maybe, like me, hire a big mean black man to force you to work extra hard every time you exercise. Except nothing works, and that sucks, and that is when you hit that low, low, where you finally come to terms with the fact that you need the surgery. That doing it own your own isn't an option, because you've repeatedly failed doing it your way.

To my anonymous commenter, I know I must know you, and I know it must be well. I can't imagine anyone remember when I did track, or that all the girls on my team were weak (they couldn't even do real push-ups), but I'm glad you spoke your mind, but I'm sorry I don't agree. And if for some reason you decide to leave me a note saying who you are, that'd be pretty sweet, because I kinda feel like an idiot not knowing someone, who I actually know well.

FACT!

Never tell anyone that you're writing a book, going on a diet, exercising, taking a course, or quitting smoking. They'll encourage you to death. - Lynn Johnston