Feeling Shitty

I'm usually pretty indifferent while I'm at work. I usually just go through the motions with no real care about what I'm doing. I'm sitting at work now and I feel terrible. I hate my body, I hate everything. My mind keeps getting away from me and thinking about things that make me more depressed. I mean, just hypothetical situations keep going into my head, these scenerios, with no bases for anything actually happening, make me feel even worse. Nothing is actually wrong. It's making me crazy. I should be happy. I've started walking and all that, I got approved my surgery, it's scheduled and everything. I should be crazy happy. I just want to leave work, because I know when I go home, I'll go walk 2 or 3 miles and feel a lot better, hop in the shower, and hopefully that will last the rest of the night. In the mean time, I just have to deal with these feelings and images and all the other shit I'm thinking about.

I just hope that one of these days I won't be so depressed that I can call my doctor and get a shrink. I know I need a shrink, but at the same time, I don't like going. I usually just don't like how the interfere with my plans for the day, and then that makes me unhappy. I just don't like them..it's stupid. My day is stupid...

12 days until my last day of work....

Sex, Hookers, Strippers, Big Girls

So I like sex more than anything. Literally. You could probably name anything, and I'd rather be having sex than doing it.

That is, except if I was a hooker. Now this seems random, but I don't think that I could enjoy sex if I did it for a living. I think all hobbies and things people enjoy can be ruined by doing it for a living.

"They" always say that, "if you do something you love, you never work a day in your life." I think that's nonsense. I loved baking and cakes decorating, I loved learning all about it at culinary school, I hated doing it for a living. Not right away, but after a little while.

I think being a hooker could be fun in the beginning, but after a while, it would take the fun out of sex. I mean, if it didn't include the random beatings/raping by John's and getting shorted on cash and all that shit.

Strippers on the other hand, kind of have it made. They don't (necessarily) fuck anyone.

After going to a strip club not to long ago, it seems like a pretty sweet deal, especially for some of the girls that were at the club I was at. The standard was that you had to tip every stripper. After each girl danced they would come around and collect money from you, and maybe shake there ass/tits at you.

Being a stipper must be AMAZING for your self esteem, in a way, besides the whole low morals, selling your body for money thing. Think about it, you dance around in almost nothing to nothing, and people throw money at you because they are so happy to get to see you naked.

Personally, I don't think super skinny girls are attractive, I don't like heavy girls, like maybe not as heavy as I am but they have to look "healthy," as they say, just heavy enough...

For example, no smaller than this girl

So everyone knows, the media makes everyone think they have to be super skinny.. blah.. blah.. blah, blame the media, Americas fat, all that good stuff. I'm not getting into that, but yeah, you know this jist. I was surprised to find that the heavier set strippers, of which I really only noticed two or three, were walking away with giant wads of cash, I mean, so much money. All for dancing for about three minutes, and then walking around to collect there cash and shake their ass. They easily had double the money of most of the skinny girls.

So I'm surprised, maybe because there weren't that many big girls, or maybe more men (and women if you count all the dollars I was throwing at those girls) than we realize like bigger girls. They looked healthy, they didn't look like a stripper who's done so much crack she can't see straight and hasn't eaten in days, she looks the way women are supposed to. Marylin Monroe style.