I met with my nutritionist again, and this time she sees that I am willing to make changes in my life, and she supports my decision. I'm working hard, I changed my eating habits, I'm eating more fruits and veggies, and I have cut back dramatically on my smoking. The meeting went very smoothly. The doctor is now submitting to my insurance to see if they are actually going to pay for it, now that I went through everything else.
I also feel the need to comment to my anonymous commenter... first, I'm sure I know this person well, but I'm surprised at myself, that I can't think of who it would be...
"hey, so it's not really my place to say this, but you should really consider life after that surgery.
Dumping syndrome will make you feel like death if you eat too much food, or if you eat the wrong things. Dumping is like... the worst acid reflux that you could ever imagine, combined with diarrhea and vomiting. and- eating too much isn't like binge eating. Eating too much after you've had this surgery is about as much as a well balanced meal. You won't be able to eat more than... oh... half a chicken breast and some vegetables.You are so young, and you are a culinarian."
I am young, but now is the time to get the surgery before I get any life threatening illness. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I know the risks, and I know what life will be life after. I know that I won't get to gorge myself on creme brulee and truffles, but I got the opportunity to go to culinary school and to eat some amazing food, expensive food, and exotic food. It was like touring the world every meal. I also can still enjoy amazing food, just in moderation, like a normal person would eat it.
You won't be able to enjoy food nearly as much. Rich foods, spicy foods, large meals... I don't know what other health issues you have that are forcing you to make this decision, but if they aren't life threatening, i agree with the nutritionist. You haven't exhausted other options.
what happened to the Claudia who "would never get lipo or weight loss surgery, because it's a cop out- because i can do it myself"? That's what you used to say.
I almost remember saying that. It still is a cop out. After all of the diets, the personal trainers, and the stress, and the endless failure, some people just have to admit they can't do it on their own.
You are depressed, and feeling shitty. So it's easy to give in to the visual imperative of our time. But it won't make you happy. No it won't. The pain pills may help for a while, but I believe in the girl who used to throw for track. I believe in the girl who was the only one on the team who could do their 100 leg lifts. I believe in the girl who would drop it like its hot and drop down and get her eagle on (you do realize that those dance moves are strength training exercises?)
I am often depressed, which of course is pretty shitty, but my unhappiness does not stem from my weight. I have spent a good amount of time having a shrink explain to me that losing weight isn't going to solve my problems. Luckily for me, my depression stems from abuse, not weight. I have never really loved my body, but I have liked being a thick girl, not a typical tiny girl.
I loved doing track, being the strong girl. I still can do a disgusting amount of leg lifts, and I can lift hundreds of pounds with my calves. I can still do all those things, but the muscles that I have from track, and dancing, and personal trainers, and everything else, is unfortunately, covered in fat.
Well, i hope you read this, although i know that the process has started and it won't be stopped. I'm sorry things are tough for you right now, but you can get through it!
The process hopefully won't be stopped. It's incredibly hard for some people to realize, that the hardest part about getting weight loss surgery isn't the tests and the doctors, it's having a personal realization that you just can't do it on your own. You spend months feeling like a failure, and trying harder and harder to do it without help, and you can't. You'll try starving yourself, and weird diets, and maybe, like me, hire a big mean black man to force you to work extra hard every time you exercise. Except nothing works, and that sucks, and that is when you hit that low, low, where you finally come to terms with the fact that you need the surgery. That doing it own your own isn't an option, because you've repeatedly failed doing it your way.
To my anonymous commenter, I know I must know you, and I know it must be well. I can't imagine anyone remember when I did track, or that all the girls on my team were weak (they couldn't even do real push-ups), but I'm glad you spoke your mind, but I'm sorry I don't agree. And if for some reason you decide to leave me a note saying who you are, that'd be pretty sweet, because I kinda feel like an idiot not knowing someone, who I actually know well.
February 26, 2009
Roux en Y (part 3)
Posted by Love Always at Thursday, February 26, 2009
Labels: Bariatric, Diet, Gastric Bypass, Metabolic, Roux en Y, Surgery
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2 comments:
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you should look at this website- it's a blog of a gentleman who was 450 lbs, was told he needed to lose 40 lbs to have the surgery. Instead of having the surgery, he is in the process of losing the weight on his own. he had lost about 86 lbs last i checked it. He's taking the site down soon, so i hope you can still see it once you get this.
I know that you have busted your ass, you've worked really hard to lose weight, and i understand how difficult that can be. To put in so much effort to see little or no results.
If you want to lose weight, and keep it off, and be a healthier person, you have to change your lifestyle. Often times, thats a very difficult thing. Eating habits are ingrained in us from a very early age, and it's clear that your family didn't teach you about this (i.e. your moms crazy eating habits, your dad had bypass surgery himself). My family didn't do a great job teaching me either, but i have tried to learn as much as i can on my own. And i know that you have also spent alot of time learning about these things.
It's not about dieting. It's about a dedication to feeding your body. Feeding your muscles. Taking care of the life and body that G-d gave you. You may have lived your life for a very long time, punishing your body with extreme diets, starvation, and chemicals. But as you change your habits, your body will follow suit. Quit smoking- you'll have stronger lungs and a stronger heart- and working out won't be nearly as difficult. Eating clean protiens and fresh vegetables and avoiding HFCS will give your body the nutrients it needs to form muscles that will accelerate your metabolism and help you burn fat faster. And you could give your body a chance to recover from being on anti-depressant/anxiety pills, as well as for abruptly stopping taking them (it can reallly really affect the chemistry in your body, for like a year after you've been on them).
I remember you talking about how your trainer would talk to you. He would push you, and i get that sometimes you need that. But- you were in an emotionally unstable place, so his 'encouragement' might have affected you oppositely.
I know that you had a hard time coming to this decision, and you are pretty stubborn so i know i can't change your mind. But i can't stop myself from trying.
Trying to scare you out of this is pointless, i know. Trying to convince you that there are other options is just reiterrating what i know your Doc's have told you.
But this is the part that makes me sad/angry all at once.
"You spend months feeling like a failure, and trying harder and harder to do it without help, and you can't. You'll try starving yourself, and weird diets, and maybe, like me, hire a big mean black man to force you to work extra hard every time you exercise. Except nothing works, and that sucks, and that is when you hit that low, low, where you finally come to terms with the fact that you need the surgery. That doing it own your own isn't an option, because you've repeatedly failed doing it your way."
I'm sorry- but those ways are not healthy. Starvation? Generally backfires. Weird diets? yeah, they don't work. Duh. that's why they are called fad diets, because they will make you lose weight and then once you start eating "normally" you gain back the weight. You have to change what 'normal' eating is.
How many good decisions have you made when you were in that low low low place? hm? because when i'm in that low low low place my thoughts are irrational and they don't get me anywhere. They keep me down, the decisions i make when i'm sad. They perpetuate the problem.
You are not a failure. Period. And you are not a weight loss failure because diets and starvation haven't worked. You won't be a failure if you get this surgery. I just hope you don't keep talking down to youself once it's done. I hope that you don't perpetuate the idea that "doing it own your own isn't an option, because you've repeatedly failed doing it your way".
You are wonderful. And I know that you will rise above all of this in time. Be it through dieting, or be it through surgery. I want for you to be happy, i think that's all i ever wanted for you.
as for who i am, eh, irrelevant. Just know i hold you in very high regards.
So more fruit and veggies, eh? Does this mean you will come with me to Blue Sage?
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