My Enemy #1

My mirror.

I can't deny that I am miserable. I want to be happy, but I think that I'm a long way from that if I am not with Bobby. I know that nothing is official yet, but like I said before, I'm bracing myself for the worst. This morning simply was not a good start to my day.

I wasn't feeling so great when I got out of bed. I scratched one of my mosquito bite scabs and was bleeding. When I walked into the bathroom to take a shower, I of course looked in the mirror. Without a towel on, or even with one, really, I disgust myself. Then I thought, who would want to be with someone who looks like me. I have a gross stomach, massive calves, all muscle or not. Disgusting thighs. I'm covered in stretch marks, from my chubby arms, to my boobs, stomach and thighs. Plus, my boobs look ridiculous, even compared to my fat body.

How will I ever find someone who can love a person like that? I'm covered in scars, on my legs and arms the most, ranging from mosquito bites that were scratched open too many times, and from working in kitchens, to the <i>very old</i> self induced cuts. I have always dated fat guys because I always figured that was all I could get. Bobby is the only person who made me feel good about this body I walk around in, and that even I find repulsive.

I don't like dating fat guys, because honestly, they disgust me. It's because I'm so unhappy with my own body, and yet I don't just date chubby guys, I date ridiculously overweight, unattractive men. That's all I feel like I'm worth. I've been with attractive men, really attractive men, but none of them wanted to be with me beyond the closed doors of a bedroom.

I never thought that I had a poor body image, at least not in years. Now I realize why, when you have a beautiful person telling you all the time how great you look, and that they would love you at any size, how could you feel bad about yourself? The trick now is not to do anything rash, not to become so obsessed that I develop an eating disorder. I can assure that when I ate breakfast this morning, every bite was forced. I didn't want to because I'm so disgusted with myself, but I know eating breakfast jump starts you metabolism