Mother

My mom and I have never had the best relationship. Since I've always been a pretty depressed kid, cutting myself and binge eating and the fun stuff that chubby little girls do to try and make themselves feel better. One thing that I always remember my mom doing which I hated, and still hate, she would ask me if I wanted to go shopping. Instead of making small talk or listening to the radio while we were in the car, she would ask me what I was thinking about.

"What are you thinking about?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing? How can you be thinking about nothing? What were you thinking about before I asked?"
"Nothing."
"Is there anything you want to tell me?"
"No."

That was generally the course that our conversations took. I still don't know why I hate being asked that, but the one thing I dread, to this day, is to get in a car with her and have that conversation. She always makes sure we're driving somewhere so I can't escape.

Since in a car you can't escape, my mom also likes to take those times to yell at me. I never have any idea what I did, or what was wrong, I was always in trouble. Drives with my mom always seemed to have meant trouble. If they didn't, there was always a possibility of something coming up, and her getting mad at me about who knows what.

I still don't really tell my mom anything, I barely see her. I live with her, but not really. I either work late, or stay at Bobby's. On nights that I do come home to sleep I usually come home after she's gone to bed and leave before she wakes up. I don't know why I can't open up to my mom.

We used to go to see a shrink together, we've done it all, but I never see us having one of those Gilmore Girls relationships. It kind of makes me sad becaus I hope I can have that with my kids, but if I can't do it with my mom, how will I be able to have it?