My Uneventful Christmas

I say that gratefully; I had a very uneventful Christmas. Christmas Eve was probably the most stressful day. I went to work at the crack of dawn (I got there at 5.30am) and then rushed home as soon as I could. I baked cookies most of the afternoon, somehow I managed to throw in the traditional Christmas eve dinner with my mom, Erinn, and Cristin, also, guest starring, my aunt and grandmom. It was nice, and a pleasant break for the hectic day. I got home and though I desperately wanted to take a nap went back to baking. Eventually Bobby woke up and after I picked up up, I immediately put him to work wrapping all of the presents that we had, including any and everything from both my brothers, and my mom threw some stuff in too.

I managed to finish baking just in time to do the traditional dinner with my dad. My older brother had to work, so it ended up just being my little brother, dad, Bobby and myself. After waiting a half an hour (at least) to be seated, we got our food, and shortly after Bobby and I had to duck out for Christmas mass.

The church was beautiful as usual, and the choir was pretty good too. I pointed out the girl with the great ass who I secretly have a crush on, and Bobby didn't understand why I knew she had a nice ass... Anyway, having Bobby there made mass a bit better, more entertaining. First the first time in two years, Father changed the story he usually tells, this year he didn't talk about geese, which I was beginning to expect. For those non-catholics, after you receive the Eucharist, you have a few minutes of silent prayer to reflect and what have you. I usually cry at that point. It doesn't matter what time of year, or what's going on in my life. When I bow my head to pray for those people that I care about, the same things always make me cry...

..That Patrick will get to live with my sister, and grow up to be a more adjusted kid, more like our family than his mother's
..That my sister will keep this baby, because she is an amazing mother and deserves all the kids she wants
..That Russell will find peace on his first holiday season since his mother died, because his family has already been through so much
..That Jaime will get her life together and be a functioning member of society
..That Tim is happy where he is now
..That Tim's family is making it through this holiday season without their youngest son
..That my aunts cancer will stay in remission because she tries so hard to be a good person
..That Ben's mom will make it through this holiday season and that her family will remember her in her prime, and not in the bed-ridden state she is now

Thinking of Tim dying, Russell's family, and my sister make me cry the most. Not necessarily because they make me sad, but because I want them so bad and there is nothing that I can do that will affect anything.

After church I finished wrapping present, and very shortly after that, I went to bed. I slept in as long as I could, and Christmas morning (afternoon) was great. Everyone seemed to get things they wanted, my family seemed amazed that I didn't cry, and I made out like a bandit.

I got a really nice ring from my mom, the livescribe smartpen that I wanted, shoes, boots, shirts, a tomtom, bobby got me the blackberry, it was pretty good.

I hope everyone else had a good Christmas/Holiday

Christmas Cheer

I'm seriously lacking Christmas cheer. As with most holidays, I seem to find myself unhappy and wanting to hide from my family. You would think that Santa in fact did rub his balls on my toothbrush. I can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit. I watched both Alexis and Jil, as well as Bobby's family, decorate their Christmas trees and wanted nothing to do with it. I spent hours in the kitchen yesterday baking cookies, and just wasn't excited. I mean, I like making cookies, but not because I want to spread cheer or anything.

It could be that I'm tired, or that I always remember Christmas sucking, but I felt the same way about Thanksgiving, and that was relatively uneventful. I don't want to wrap presents, I don't want to get buddy buddy with my family, and I don't even want to do the traditional Christmas Eve with my mom. It doesn't help that instead of just the usual suspects she's invited my aunt and grandmom. Not that I don't love them to death, I just don't want to spend a day with them. A few hours every Sunday has been just fine. Maybe I'll start to feel different about it later.

Well...Merry Christmas

Mother

My mom and I have never had the best relationship. Since I've always been a pretty depressed kid, cutting myself and binge eating and the fun stuff that chubby little girls do to try and make themselves feel better. One thing that I always remember my mom doing which I hated, and still hate, she would ask me if I wanted to go shopping. Instead of making small talk or listening to the radio while we were in the car, she would ask me what I was thinking about.

"What are you thinking about?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing? How can you be thinking about nothing? What were you thinking about before I asked?"
"Nothing."
"Is there anything you want to tell me?"
"No."

That was generally the course that our conversations took. I still don't know why I hate being asked that, but the one thing I dread, to this day, is to get in a car with her and have that conversation. She always makes sure we're driving somewhere so I can't escape.

Since in a car you can't escape, my mom also likes to take those times to yell at me. I never have any idea what I did, or what was wrong, I was always in trouble. Drives with my mom always seemed to have meant trouble. If they didn't, there was always a possibility of something coming up, and her getting mad at me about who knows what.

I still don't really tell my mom anything, I barely see her. I live with her, but not really. I either work late, or stay at Bobby's. On nights that I do come home to sleep I usually come home after she's gone to bed and leave before she wakes up. I don't know why I can't open up to my mom.

We used to go to see a shrink together, we've done it all, but I never see us having one of those Gilmore Girls relationships. It kind of makes me sad becaus I hope I can have that with my kids, but if I can't do it with my mom, how will I be able to have it?

Thanksgiving: Family Dysfunction at its best

Thanksgiving at my house is, well, painful. As in most families, Thanksgiving is very chaoitic. I can remember many fun filled years of Thanksgiving fun with my family. Since I'm a pretty lucky lady, my birthday always falls right around thanksgiving. When I was a kid that seemed like the best thing ever, because the most people always came to my birthday party (because we always celebrate on thanksgiving) and therefore, I got the most presents. My dad always invited some random person who had no where else to go to celebrate, and my family came in from New York and everything.

Wierdly enough, I remember that I was always sick on birthday as a kid. I always came down with some terrible cold, or the flu, and one time, the chicken pocks. I know realize, that even as I was sick again this year, I think it's my body's natural reaction to impending doom. Thanksgiving was never really fun for me, because it's just not a family holiday until someone gets drunk, makes someone else cry, a physical battle almost breaks out, people storm out, and everyone is left unhappy.

Since my family is plagued with alcoholism, we generally try to avoid having drinks available at these events, especially since the year my aunt go really drunk, and started a fight with her brother and sister, and then tried to walk home.

Or the time we all had to go to New York for Thanksgiving, against my will, to eat at my uncle's house, where all the food sucked, and I started crying because I was sick, and my mom finally couldn't handle it and took us home.

Then there was the time, my two cousins got so drunk, they ended up fighting, and then everyone was crying, and everyone was sent home.

Nothing like the fun that comes from family dinners together.

This year was no real exeption. The drinking has come to an abrupt stop, thankfully. Most disfunctional family members are no longer invited to dinner, which rules out an uncle, several cousins, and those who are married/related to them. This year, the fighting was left down to petty fuids between a few people.

I started my day by waking up at my boyfriend's house at about 2.30pm. We decided that since the food at my house is terrible, to go and find some where that would be open, and get some cheesesteaks. We run out, find a 24hr diner, grab our food, and head back to the apartment. No sooner had we finished eating, did I get a phone call from my mom, freaking out that she can't find a knife, and that she could really use my help. I calmly tell her, that I will be there in ten minutes, and not to worry.

I get to my house and see that there are already plenty of people in the kitchen helping her, and that she really doesn't need my help. I make some whip cream, and make the mashed potatoes; which is my favorite food ever, and I can't let my mom ruin it again this year. At this point, my mom can't ask for anything, she demands it in a tone that makes me want to kick puppies. I run around getting my knives and getting stuff for her, and then I do the reasonable thing. Hide.

I enjoy a cigarette on the front porch while the rest of the family arrives and stress ensues in the kitchen. One of the two turkeys we made is raw, while the other is overcooked, as usual. Finally they demand that we come and sit down. Lucky me, the birthday girl, gets stuck sitting at the kiddy table, even though my younger brother gets to sit with the adults.

After getting my boyfriends dinner ready (because he had surgery on his hip and shoulder and needs help doing stuff) I'm told by my sister to sit, I sit, the kids pray, and I get back up to get my food. The turkey is terrible, as expected, so I pretty much just eat stuffing and mashed potatoes. Then when we're done eating, my boyfriend and I get up from the table. Of course at the moment, my sister and her hubby, captain douche-bag, decide to parent us. My sister is not even close to be old enough to be my mother, or anything of the sort. She starts telling us to sit back down because they have a hard time getting the kids to stay at the table. I personally, smile, and retreat to another room. Boyfriend desides to tell my sister, that he's not sitting back down. Captain Douche-bag says that it's not just a "three and half rule" (referring to the age of his kids) and Boyfriend responds, that the three and half years olds didn't have a piece of bone taken out of their hip and their collar bones sawed in half. Then he left the room.

I found the evening overall, tolerable. As soon as cake and everything was over, Bobby and I left. It had it's awkward moments of my Dad bringing his girlfriend, and my aunt's kids being there.

Overall, interesting..