My Uneventful Christmas

I say that gratefully; I had a very uneventful Christmas. Christmas Eve was probably the most stressful day. I went to work at the crack of dawn (I got there at 5.30am) and then rushed home as soon as I could. I baked cookies most of the afternoon, somehow I managed to throw in the traditional Christmas eve dinner with my mom, Erinn, and Cristin, also, guest starring, my aunt and grandmom. It was nice, and a pleasant break for the hectic day. I got home and though I desperately wanted to take a nap went back to baking. Eventually Bobby woke up and after I picked up up, I immediately put him to work wrapping all of the presents that we had, including any and everything from both my brothers, and my mom threw some stuff in too.

I managed to finish baking just in time to do the traditional dinner with my dad. My older brother had to work, so it ended up just being my little brother, dad, Bobby and myself. After waiting a half an hour (at least) to be seated, we got our food, and shortly after Bobby and I had to duck out for Christmas mass.

The church was beautiful as usual, and the choir was pretty good too. I pointed out the girl with the great ass who I secretly have a crush on, and Bobby didn't understand why I knew she had a nice ass... Anyway, having Bobby there made mass a bit better, more entertaining. First the first time in two years, Father changed the story he usually tells, this year he didn't talk about geese, which I was beginning to expect. For those non-catholics, after you receive the Eucharist, you have a few minutes of silent prayer to reflect and what have you. I usually cry at that point. It doesn't matter what time of year, or what's going on in my life. When I bow my head to pray for those people that I care about, the same things always make me cry...

..That Patrick will get to live with my sister, and grow up to be a more adjusted kid, more like our family than his mother's
..That my sister will keep this baby, because she is an amazing mother and deserves all the kids she wants
..That Russell will find peace on his first holiday season since his mother died, because his family has already been through so much
..That Jaime will get her life together and be a functioning member of society
..That Tim is happy where he is now
..That Tim's family is making it through this holiday season without their youngest son
..That my aunts cancer will stay in remission because she tries so hard to be a good person
..That Ben's mom will make it through this holiday season and that her family will remember her in her prime, and not in the bed-ridden state she is now

Thinking of Tim dying, Russell's family, and my sister make me cry the most. Not necessarily because they make me sad, but because I want them so bad and there is nothing that I can do that will affect anything.

After church I finished wrapping present, and very shortly after that, I went to bed. I slept in as long as I could, and Christmas morning (afternoon) was great. Everyone seemed to get things they wanted, my family seemed amazed that I didn't cry, and I made out like a bandit.

I got a really nice ring from my mom, the livescribe smartpen that I wanted, shoes, boots, shirts, a tomtom, bobby got me the blackberry, it was pretty good.

I hope everyone else had a good Christmas/Holiday

Bill (Part 2)

Disclaimer...If as you read this, you ask yourself, "how much more stupid can she get?" Just keep reading. Same goes for when you begin to wonder "How much more of this is she going to take?" The pain ends eventually, but it goes through a few ups and downs. There are probably a few holes in my stories from things I can't remember, but I'll do my best to get across each fun filled little event.

Besides the obvious inconsideration for my feelings, or anyone's feelings for that matter, through the course of Bill's drug abuse, there were a few events that are worth mentioning. Once during a visit to a mental hospital, Bill met a girl who was there becaus she tried to kill herself, unsuccessfully, obviously. While Bill was spending at least some of his time, getting me to believe that he loved me, he also decided to have some quality time with this girl. I can only assume the worst. I even think she called me once, wanting to know why I was trying to "get with her man."

Prom night, every girl waits for that moment, when they have the perfect dress and the perfect date. Bill would have easily been my perfect date, and the dress, that was already perfect. Bill instead of going with me decided to ask some other girl we went to high school with, one who I hated on top of that. I was pretty upset about it, well, that's an understatement. I think I managed to have a good time anyway, I brought my best friend Jil, and danced with everyone else's date. I got my picture taken with a friend, I wanted them taken with Bill, but by the grace of God, my friends wouldn't let that happen.

After prom a bunch of us went to stay at a friend's beach house. We had our cute little room assignments with our dates, but actually, I ended up being with Bill. His date didn't come to the beach house, and I'm a glutten for punishment. He was obviously strung out on dope for the duration of our trip. He would stay up late at night, and sleep a lot during the day, he came in with me one night, and we almost had sex. I don't know why I was going to do it, but I wanted him, I always wanted him. Again, my friends saved the day, they refused to supply a condom, and no sex was had.

Don't let that fool you, he's the boy I lost my virginity to. That was an interest turn of events. It came down to that fact that I didn't want to go away to college a virgin, I wanted to have sex with someone I had feelings for, and I cared about. I considered Bill my best friend, even thought he could be an ass. So the day came, and I went to the grocery store and got condoms, and went to his house. We started off really slow, he didn't want to hurt me. In the end, we had sex for what seemed like hours, in actuality, it was probably only about an hour. The benefits of boning junkies, they have a real hard time getting off when they're high. I don't regret it. I wanted it to be special, and it was, at least for me.

After the first time, sex turned into a thing we just did. I'd come over, we'd watch some tv, chain smoke a bit, talk, and usually have sex. It didn't take long for sex to lose meaning to me, it already meant very little to me because I was sexually assulted, but I thought maybe by doing it with someone I cared about I could bring some love back into it. The love that might have been there the first time was soon gone, sex was sex. Penis in vagina, thrusting...over. It took me years to find meaning in sex again, meaningless lovers, meaningless sex, meaningless me.

To be continued...the pain isn't over yet.

Thanksgiving: Family Dysfunction at its best

Thanksgiving at my house is, well, painful. As in most families, Thanksgiving is very chaoitic. I can remember many fun filled years of Thanksgiving fun with my family. Since I'm a pretty lucky lady, my birthday always falls right around thanksgiving. When I was a kid that seemed like the best thing ever, because the most people always came to my birthday party (because we always celebrate on thanksgiving) and therefore, I got the most presents. My dad always invited some random person who had no where else to go to celebrate, and my family came in from New York and everything.

Wierdly enough, I remember that I was always sick on birthday as a kid. I always came down with some terrible cold, or the flu, and one time, the chicken pocks. I know realize, that even as I was sick again this year, I think it's my body's natural reaction to impending doom. Thanksgiving was never really fun for me, because it's just not a family holiday until someone gets drunk, makes someone else cry, a physical battle almost breaks out, people storm out, and everyone is left unhappy.

Since my family is plagued with alcoholism, we generally try to avoid having drinks available at these events, especially since the year my aunt go really drunk, and started a fight with her brother and sister, and then tried to walk home.

Or the time we all had to go to New York for Thanksgiving, against my will, to eat at my uncle's house, where all the food sucked, and I started crying because I was sick, and my mom finally couldn't handle it and took us home.

Then there was the time, my two cousins got so drunk, they ended up fighting, and then everyone was crying, and everyone was sent home.

Nothing like the fun that comes from family dinners together.

This year was no real exeption. The drinking has come to an abrupt stop, thankfully. Most disfunctional family members are no longer invited to dinner, which rules out an uncle, several cousins, and those who are married/related to them. This year, the fighting was left down to petty fuids between a few people.

I started my day by waking up at my boyfriend's house at about 2.30pm. We decided that since the food at my house is terrible, to go and find some where that would be open, and get some cheesesteaks. We run out, find a 24hr diner, grab our food, and head back to the apartment. No sooner had we finished eating, did I get a phone call from my mom, freaking out that she can't find a knife, and that she could really use my help. I calmly tell her, that I will be there in ten minutes, and not to worry.

I get to my house and see that there are already plenty of people in the kitchen helping her, and that she really doesn't need my help. I make some whip cream, and make the mashed potatoes; which is my favorite food ever, and I can't let my mom ruin it again this year. At this point, my mom can't ask for anything, she demands it in a tone that makes me want to kick puppies. I run around getting my knives and getting stuff for her, and then I do the reasonable thing. Hide.

I enjoy a cigarette on the front porch while the rest of the family arrives and stress ensues in the kitchen. One of the two turkeys we made is raw, while the other is overcooked, as usual. Finally they demand that we come and sit down. Lucky me, the birthday girl, gets stuck sitting at the kiddy table, even though my younger brother gets to sit with the adults.

After getting my boyfriends dinner ready (because he had surgery on his hip and shoulder and needs help doing stuff) I'm told by my sister to sit, I sit, the kids pray, and I get back up to get my food. The turkey is terrible, as expected, so I pretty much just eat stuffing and mashed potatoes. Then when we're done eating, my boyfriend and I get up from the table. Of course at the moment, my sister and her hubby, captain douche-bag, decide to parent us. My sister is not even close to be old enough to be my mother, or anything of the sort. She starts telling us to sit back down because they have a hard time getting the kids to stay at the table. I personally, smile, and retreat to another room. Boyfriend desides to tell my sister, that he's not sitting back down. Captain Douche-bag says that it's not just a "three and half rule" (referring to the age of his kids) and Boyfriend responds, that the three and half years olds didn't have a piece of bone taken out of their hip and their collar bones sawed in half. Then he left the room.

I found the evening overall, tolerable. As soon as cake and everything was over, Bobby and I left. It had it's awkward moments of my Dad bringing his girlfriend, and my aunt's kids being there.

Overall, interesting..