Bill (Part 2)

Disclaimer...If as you read this, you ask yourself, "how much more stupid can she get?" Just keep reading. Same goes for when you begin to wonder "How much more of this is she going to take?" The pain ends eventually, but it goes through a few ups and downs. There are probably a few holes in my stories from things I can't remember, but I'll do my best to get across each fun filled little event.

Besides the obvious inconsideration for my feelings, or anyone's feelings for that matter, through the course of Bill's drug abuse, there were a few events that are worth mentioning. Once during a visit to a mental hospital, Bill met a girl who was there becaus she tried to kill herself, unsuccessfully, obviously. While Bill was spending at least some of his time, getting me to believe that he loved me, he also decided to have some quality time with this girl. I can only assume the worst. I even think she called me once, wanting to know why I was trying to "get with her man."

Prom night, every girl waits for that moment, when they have the perfect dress and the perfect date. Bill would have easily been my perfect date, and the dress, that was already perfect. Bill instead of going with me decided to ask some other girl we went to high school with, one who I hated on top of that. I was pretty upset about it, well, that's an understatement. I think I managed to have a good time anyway, I brought my best friend Jil, and danced with everyone else's date. I got my picture taken with a friend, I wanted them taken with Bill, but by the grace of God, my friends wouldn't let that happen.

After prom a bunch of us went to stay at a friend's beach house. We had our cute little room assignments with our dates, but actually, I ended up being with Bill. His date didn't come to the beach house, and I'm a glutten for punishment. He was obviously strung out on dope for the duration of our trip. He would stay up late at night, and sleep a lot during the day, he came in with me one night, and we almost had sex. I don't know why I was going to do it, but I wanted him, I always wanted him. Again, my friends saved the day, they refused to supply a condom, and no sex was had.

Don't let that fool you, he's the boy I lost my virginity to. That was an interest turn of events. It came down to that fact that I didn't want to go away to college a virgin, I wanted to have sex with someone I had feelings for, and I cared about. I considered Bill my best friend, even thought he could be an ass. So the day came, and I went to the grocery store and got condoms, and went to his house. We started off really slow, he didn't want to hurt me. In the end, we had sex for what seemed like hours, in actuality, it was probably only about an hour. The benefits of boning junkies, they have a real hard time getting off when they're high. I don't regret it. I wanted it to be special, and it was, at least for me.

After the first time, sex turned into a thing we just did. I'd come over, we'd watch some tv, chain smoke a bit, talk, and usually have sex. It didn't take long for sex to lose meaning to me, it already meant very little to me because I was sexually assulted, but I thought maybe by doing it with someone I cared about I could bring some love back into it. The love that might have been there the first time was soon gone, sex was sex. Penis in vagina, thrusting...over. It took me years to find meaning in sex again, meaningless lovers, meaningless sex, meaningless me.

To be continued...the pain isn't over yet.

Bill (Part 1)

I feel like it is time to tell a story that is not only hard for me to tell, but hard for me to think about. It's a sad story really, because it starts off seemingly good, and then ends in heartache. There are unfortunately ups and downs, and the downs hurt the most because at the age this happened, I was naive. At any rate, this is the story of a boy, who could have grown up to be a smart, successful man, but instead lives on the streets, and though he seems to have nothing, will always be carrying a piece of my heart.

I first met Bill in my seventh grade English class, 4Th period, Ms. Davis. He was very quite, and sat in the back of the room. I was not exactly a social butterfly, but I noticed him, and for a while, that's all it was. I had a boyfriend, Doug, not the most attractive man in the world, but I settled, it's what I did. Bill and I also had biology together, I think that was 7Th period, with Mr. Keller, he was the greatest teacher ever. Somehow, I'm not quite sure, Bill and I came to know each other, though there is one specific time that I would consider our first cordial meeting.

We were both on the track team, I spent most of my time doing shot-put and occasionally long distance with my friend Amanda. Bill did the same events but he did them with his friend, Josh. On this special day, after a track meet, I was standing in the middle of the track with Amanda getting our equipment together to carry it all back inside, when Bill and Josh came up to us. Josh introduced everyone as though we'd never met, then Bill asked me if I wanted help carrying my stuff, and I let him help.

After that we spent a lot more time together. Doug and I broke up, and I started "dating" Bill. Doug was in a freak baseball accident and I, as much as I regret it now, dumped Bill to get back together with Doug. To this day, Bill blames me for this. He never let me forget it, and he sees as the point where is life fell apart.

We had a few dates. I remember one day in particular where I took the bus home with him, one of the first times I remember meeting his mom. We were sitting in his backyard on the deck, surrounded by various animals and reptiles. When we finally got up the nerve to hold hands, his mom came running out the back door screaming "Cannibals! Cannibals!" While running at the wild turkeys who were wandering around the backyard. We quickly pulled our hands apart.

In an unfortunate turn of events, Bill went from a guy who lifted weights all the time, and was on the wrestling team, to a junkie. It didn't happen all at once, but he went straight from weed to heroin, after that he went back and tried crack and stuff, but heroin was his first true love. Bill and I were both going through rough times, but we would make deals that we both knew we wouldn't keep. I would promise not to cut myself, and Bill would promise not to use. It wasn't because they were equal problems, but because I cared about him, I didn't want him doing drugs. He cared about me, and didn't want me to hurt myself.

Then came the ups and downs, he was in the hospital, he was out, he ODed, he was clean. Bill would overdose and then go to the hospital. On those days I would cut school and lay in the hospital bed with him all day, well, until They came to take him to the mental hospital. Those days while we laid there he was probably my favorite person. After he finally realized where he was and what was going on, he was the sweetest man in the world to me. I just sucked it all up, and clung to it like a life preserver while I waited for him to get back out of the mental hospital.

Sometimes he would disappear for a while, and when he would come back I was the only person he was allowed to hang out with, because his mom trusted me. I let him break my heart time and time again. I told him I loved him even though he would go out scoring dope and not come back for days, or end up in the hospital, or get arrested. I loved him through it all.

I loved him because of the person I knew he could be. The way he took care of me sometimes, he had a way of making you smile no matter what happened. It was pretty amazing, he was pretty amazing. I'd love to say that I grew out of the relationship, and realized that he was a mess. Unfortunately, that is not the case, it was a mess for a long time. Sometimes I wouldn't talk to him for a while, and I would just try not to think about it, but he always came back. Somehow or another Bill would be a part of my life until I almost graduated from college. Now I only can pray that I'm strong enough to stay away from him.