My cardiologist, took a fun filled background of me, involving where I went to high school, how many siblings I have, and where I go to school now. He did another EKG, and after struggling around my boobs for sometime, though never actually touching them, thankfully, he managed to hear my heart. He decided that the root of my problems is that my boobs are too big, but made me get an echo of my heart anyway. An incredibly nice woman performed my echo. She came in joking and smiling. Considering that I was pretty exposed, I like that she kept the door shut and the lights very dim. When it all was done, I felt less violated than I expected, and wiped off all the goo off of my stomach, chest, and boobs.
My pulmonologist seemed to me like a waste of time. I came in, the listened to my heart, asked a few questions, and said I was good to go, and sent me on my way with a prescription for nicotine patches and gum. Unfortunately I did not get off that easily. He also set me up with a another list of tests. I'll let you know how that goes after next Friday.
My favorite appointment thus far, has been the nutritionist. First let me just say, who the fuck wastes their life getting a degree in nutritionist, I mean really, your gonna spend your life explaining the food pyramid to people, that's a joke, her life is a joke. Anyway, upwards and onwards. I arrive after being sick for several weeks, I had taken the day off of work because I felt like death, but managed to roll out of bed for this appointment. I sit there and she asks me if I ever tried dieting and all that (even though I've explained them to everyone else already). I find she has a bad attitude from the jump off, she doesn't think that I've tried other alternatives enough. She tells me that what I eat isn't good for me, she doesn't think that I'm ready to make changes in my life and that I'm not ready for the surgery. I look at her and kindly tell her that I have been to more doctor's appointments over the last 3 months than most people go to in years, I've been sick as a dog, and I'm sorry if I'm not super excited about the food pyramid.
My tolerance for shit at this point is pretty low, I've been dealing with these people for quite some time and this wench is the last person I have to get through before they ask my insurance company for the money. She makes me want to kill people. I wanted to jump across the counter and jam trans fats of any kind down her skinny little throat. Regardless, I kept myself calm for the most part and she told me that I should come back in two weeks. You have no idea how excited I am for this. Her other issue with me is that I don't like mushy foods, and after I get my surgery I have to eat mushy foods for a brief period. I think I can handle a week of mush, god forbid, and they have sugar free water ice at Rita's, what more do I need in life?
February 19, 2009
Roux en Y (part 2)
Roux en Y (part 1)
I started this process when it was still warm outside, I don't remember the exact date, but I remember the beautiful weather. I had finally decided that it needed to happen, I'm so unhappy with my body that I have spent a lot of time crying about it.
So for starters...The mental process of getting to a point where you know, in your heart of hearts, that you have put forth a good effort to loose weight. You have done everything in your control to lose all those extra pounds. I've tried diets, weight watchers, Alli, and I even got a personal trainer. Some of us just weren't meant to be thin. My dad weighted over 300 lbs when he got his surgery around the age of 30, which was in the 1960's, so his gastric bypass was much different than what mine will be. My mom's idea of losing weight is a strict diet of running, grilled chicken and vodka. She went from a very large woman to a zero, until she busted her ankle, and now she's fat like me.
grilled chicken.
Either way, that first step, is the hardest, when you know that it is all out of your control, and you have no other choice. It's a hard truth to come to.
My first doctor appointment consisted of me finding out that I was two inches taller than I thought I was, and therefore, I fell just under the minimum weight requirement. I cried and balled hysterically, I'm not sure for how long. My dad's response was much more relaxed. He felt that it was the greatest thing that could ever happen to me, because I should eat milkshakes for days until I got my weight up those few pounds I was short. I quickly learned that that particular doctor would not see me again for another 6 months, so I gained the weight, and found a new doctor.
You sit through a long, long drawn out presentation on all of your surgery options, you mentally decide which of the surgeries your interested in, and make an appointment to meet with one of the nurses. At that meeting, you chat a little bit, she gets some history from you, and then hands you a lovely stack of prescriptions for a day of tests.
This is another fun part of the process. You arrive at the hospital and are poked and prodded. You show up with your stool sample, they take blood, multiple times from different parts of your body, you get an EKG, probably the easiest of the tests. The chest x-ray isn't too bad, followed by an ultrasound of your stomach. So after you feel kind of violated you head back to your doctor with the results. This is actually the first time you meet the man whole will perform the surgery. My doctor, was awesome. He came in and told me I was going to have to see a specialist for a variety of the test results that came back abnormal. Then he told me that I was a perfect candidate for any other surgeries, so I was excited to hear that I was getting the Roux en Y, just like I wanted.
Unfortunately, it was not over yet, I had a rectal exam coming. Of course they tell me this about an hour before it happens so I get to sit there and think about for that whole hour, not cool.
February 17, 2009
Sick and Lonely
The thing that makes me more depressed than anything is doing nothing. When you're sick, the fastest way to get better is to sleep, rest and pretty much just lay in bed, until you feel better. I've been sick for almost a month now, and my doctor first thought I was just sick, then she thought maybe it was allergies, then I came down with pneumonia. Today I got a call from my doctor saying that I am allergic to everything. F'ing sweet.
Since I've been sick, I lay in my bed and watch "Bones" on my computer. Occationally I can sleep, usually for only 3 or 4 hours at a time. Sometimes I can't sleep at all and I just lay there for hours until I become so madly unhappy and depressed that I drug myself up until I pass out.
I just don't want to be sick anymore, it makes me so depressed, I just want to be with Bobby watching TV and cuddling. That's not so much to ask....
Cigarette
So since I came down with pneumonia, I haven't really smoked. I think I've averaged one cig a day, and one day I think I had one and half, because I couldn't make it all the way through the second one.
I'm so f'ing sick of being f'ing sick that I might just go crazy. I don't understand why I'm the most unhealthy person ever.
February 5, 2009
25 Things...
I've decided to add this here too, because I never right anything as it is...
...Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. (It's really not as hard as it sounds). At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
To do this, go to “Notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.
- Sometimes I regret leaving the food/cooking industry
- I'm afraid that after my surgery I'll lose to much weight, lose my boobs, or become one of those crazies who after they lose weight become obsessed no matter how thin they get they still "see themselves like they used to look"
- I get depressed sometimes...a lot...but I've taken myself off my anti-depressents...in November
- I miss Culinary school, it was soooo much better than hanging out with nerdy engineers
- I don't think I have an real good friends anymore, I barely see/talk to anyone
- I want to go to Vegas for my honeymoon
- I can't wait to get my surgery (maybe next month if I'm lucky!) and I'm going to keep a photo-log of my weightloss
- I'm afraid I won't be able to have kids, but I want at least 3, mostly boys, if possible
- I'm greatful that I found the one person that I want to spend the rest of my life with
- I didn't think it would be so hard to come up with 25 things
- I love dancing, even though I suck at it
- I miss highschool sometimes, just because at least back then my girlfriends and I would go to clubs and stuff
- I want to live in Arizona, Southern California, or anywhere south of the mason/dixon
- If I live in the south, I want to own a plantation, like a huge one, with a cool name, and seperate guest houses, and all that shit
- I want to make enough money in my career that I can retire early, or if anything happens I can take care of myself and any children I might have
- I'm conservative, like really really conservative, and I really don't care that people are bothered by it. When I have a plantation I will keep a shot gun in case someone comes on my property and exercise my right to bear arms, just for fun, because that's the kind of person I am, hehehe...
- As conservative as I am, I support gay rights
- I didn't vote for Barry Obama, I think it's ridiculous that he was raised by all white people but black people think he's special or something. (and don't worry, I assure you my kids will know I didn't vote for the first black president, because it's not about race for me, it's about politics)
- I still cry everytime I get down to pray at church when I think about all the friends and family I've lost, especially Tim, and my aunt Gerrie
- I wish I was more adventurous, Less shy, more outgoing...and mostly, less self conscience.
- I want to work with women who have been abused, for some sort of shelter or something
- I love country music and hip hop, and that's about it
- Even though it's 7:35am, I'd kill to be in a bar with a white russian and a cigarette
- I'm going to quit smoking... I got the patches and the gum and everything, I just need to actually pick a day, and start using them...because I don't really wanna quit, I'm procrastinating.
- After I get married, I want to get lots and lots of tattoos, lots of tattoos, but I want wait until then so I can look nice in a wedding dress...and I want something like this for my next one, on my calf or my side...
January 15, 2009
Sex, Hookers, Strippers, Big Girls
So I like sex more than anything. Literally. You could probably name anything, and I'd rather be having sex than doing it.
That is, except if I was a hooker. Now this seems random, but I don't think that I could enjoy sex if I did it for a living. I think all hobbies and things people enjoy can be ruined by doing it for a living.
"They" always say that, "if you do something you love, you never work a day in your life." I think that's nonsense. I loved baking and cakes decorating, I loved learning all about it at culinary school, I hated doing it for a living. Not right away, but after a little while.
I think being a hooker could be fun in the beginning, but after a while, it would take the fun out of sex. I mean, if it didn't include the random beatings/raping by John's and getting shorted on cash and all that shit.
Strippers on the other hand, kind of have it made. They don't (necessarily) fuck anyone.
After going to a strip club not to long ago, it seems like a pretty sweet deal, especially for some of the girls that were at the club I was at. The standard was that you had to tip every stripper. After each girl danced they would come around and collect money from you, and maybe shake there ass/tits at you.
Being a stipper must be AMAZING for your self esteem, in a way, besides the whole low morals, selling your body for money thing. Think about it, you dance around in almost nothing to nothing, and people throw money at you because they are so happy to get to see you naked.
Personally, I don't think super skinny girls are attractive, I don't like heavy girls, like maybe not as heavy as I am but they have to look "healthy," as they say, just heavy enough...
For example, no smaller than this girl
So everyone knows, the media makes everyone think they have to be super skinny.. blah.. blah.. blah, blame the media, Americas fat, all that good stuff. I'm not getting into that, but yeah, you know this jist. I was surprised to find that the heavier set strippers, of which I really only noticed two or three, were walking away with giant wads of cash, I mean, so much money. All for dancing for about three minutes, and then walking around to collect there cash and shake their ass. They easily had double the money of most of the skinny girls.
So I'm surprised, maybe because there weren't that many big girls, or maybe more men (and women if you count all the dollars I was throwing at those girls) than we realize like bigger girls. They looked healthy, they didn't look like a stripper who's done so much crack she can't see straight and hasn't eaten in days, she looks the way women are supposed to. Marylin Monroe style.
January 7, 2009
FACT!
Never tell anyone that you're writing a book, going on a diet, exercising, taking a course, or quitting smoking. They'll encourage you to death. - Lynn Johnston
