Bad Day

After the bright and optimistic blog I wrote this morning, today has been terrible. It started off pretty good. I didn't do that well on my linear algebra test, but I know when I think that, I do better than I thought. Then I had about four hours of free time between classes to catch up on homework.



I figured out how to do all my statics homework by myself, and I got them all right. After Statics, I went to the computer lab to work on my linear algebra. Almost immediately after starting it, I realized I didn't actually know how to do anything.



I went to get help from a teaching assistant (TA) because one was supposed to have office hours. I get there and by office hours he means class. I try to tell the teacher why I was there, and then in typical fashion, I start welling up like I'm going to burst into tears. I'd truly love to know why I do that, I can't control it, but it always happens during one on one conversations where I'm asking for help. Regardless, the teacher trying not to make me cry, quickly starts explaining the lab to me.

After that whole escapade, I have statics. I'm feeling pretty good, I know what I'm doing in that class. Every class we have a quiz at the end. Somehow after my TA explains all the stuff I already figured out how to do, she gives us the quiz. She explained it in the worst way, and I unlearned/no longer understood any of it. Regardless, I'm quite sure, I bombed the quiz.



Lastly, I went back to take the quiz on the linear algebra lab that I recently has explained to me, and I'm locked out. So as I'm sitting here on the train, I'm praying that my TA will get my e-mail sometime soon and rectify the problem, otherwise, it's one of many bad grades I've gotten today

Anti-Depressants and Update

I think I've come to the decision that I no longer need to take anti-depressants. I stopped taking them a while ago, and have been planning on taking them again. With the help of my new shrink I don't think I really need to take them again. It's probably the greatest thing ever. I have had so many terrible shrinks, and I finally have a good one.

Even with school as crazy and hectic as it, I'm keeping it together. I still can't wait until the weekend. I still strongly dislike family holidays, but I deal with them 1000 times better than ever before.

I'm currently in the process of joining The Society of Women Engineers (SWE). I haven't been a part of any extra curricula activities since I was at the Culinary. I used to be the President of the Women Chefs and Restaurateurs, which is kind of like SWE. Plus I was a member of Alliance. I've been slacking at Drexel, but I have more work to do at Drexel outside of class than I ever did at the Culinary.

My New Shrink

So I went to see my new shrink yesterday. He is the same shrink who worked with my brother when he was a teenager, and is currently working with my brother. I have had more shrinks than I can remember, and I can honestly say I think this is the best shrink that I have ever seen. Most of them just sit there and everytime you say something they ask, "and how does that make you feel?" and that makes me feel pissed off. I hate when they do that. This guy doesn't do that. He listens, and waits for me to tell me things, and if while I'm talking a reach a point where I just have nothing else to say, he'll ask me a question, but not the standard question, and actual question about what I've been saying. It shows he's actually listening.

I also like the fact that he already knows my family. He knows my dad is abusive and insane, and that both of my brothers are mean and self centered, and that my mom is passive and dismissive. It makes a big difference, because I don't have to waste my time explaining the level of crazy that I deal with on a regular basis.

I also really think that this time, this is going to work. Not just because he's a good shrink, but because I want this more than I have ever wanted it before. Not only that, he gives feedback, and I think that between my trying and his skill, we might be able to break the cycle of abuse that I put up with and have come to accept as an every day part of life.

Feeling Shitty

I'm usually pretty indifferent while I'm at work. I usually just go through the motions with no real care about what I'm doing. I'm sitting at work now and I feel terrible. I hate my body, I hate everything. My mind keeps getting away from me and thinking about things that make me more depressed. I mean, just hypothetical situations keep going into my head, these scenerios, with no bases for anything actually happening, make me feel even worse. Nothing is actually wrong. It's making me crazy. I should be happy. I've started walking and all that, I got approved my surgery, it's scheduled and everything. I should be crazy happy. I just want to leave work, because I know when I go home, I'll go walk 2 or 3 miles and feel a lot better, hop in the shower, and hopefully that will last the rest of the night. In the mean time, I just have to deal with these feelings and images and all the other shit I'm thinking about.

I just hope that one of these days I won't be so depressed that I can call my doctor and get a shrink. I know I need a shrink, but at the same time, I don't like going. I usually just don't like how the interfere with my plans for the day, and then that makes me unhappy. I just don't like them..it's stupid. My day is stupid...

12 days until my last day of work....

Rages

My mom has said for years that I have "rages." I'm an angry person, and quick to jump to violence so solve my problems. Growing up in my house violence was just an accepted part of life. My brothers and I learned how to box when we were young, so fights just became more violent. I have broken a variety of things in fights with my older brother...kitchen chairs, eggs, computer keyboards, phones...and that's only stuff that actually broke while we fought.

I have often been able to control myself from getting physical with a person, in clubs and bars years ago, I never had to fight anyone because for some reason people found me intimidating. I have hit 6 foot something guys in clubs. A few weeks ago, I grabbed some guy by the throat in a bar for fucking with Jil. Every time something makes me angry my immediate solution is to beat the crap out of someone.

I have known for a long time that I need something to do about this. My mom has been saying it for years, and I have known it for a long time. So I have an idea...

I called my dad..

Dad, so, I've decided..here is what I need you to do..

Okay..what?

So I need you to find somewhere for me to box at. I mean, not just a gym full of little kids, I need to get in fights and need to get hit.

Are you sure you don't want to be someone else's kid?

What? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Nothing..nevermind...consider it done.

So my goal, is that I'll be able to control myself, because when I get hit in a fight, I'm gonna be angry, and fighting regularly will help me to control that angry. That, and I think that I will good to get my ass kicked. It's weird, but I think that it would help. Anyone wanna box with me?

Domestic Abuse

Gunpowder and Lead

Miranda Lambert

County road 233, under my feet
Nothin' on this white rock but little ol' me
I've got two miles 'til, he makes bail
And if I'm right we're headed straight for hell

I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette
If he wants a fight, well now he's got one
And he ain't seen me crazy yet

He slapped my face and he shook me like a rag doll
Don't that sound like a real man?
I'm gonna show him what little girls are made of
Gunpowder and lead

Well it's half past ten, another six pack in

And I can feel the rumble like a cold black wind
He pulls in the drive, gravel flies
He don't know what's waitin' here this time

Hey I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette
If he wants a fight well now he's got one

And he ain't seen me crazy yet

He slapped my face and he shook me like a rag doll
Don't that sound like a real man?
I'm gonna show him what little girls are made of
Gunpowder and lead

His fist is big but my gun's bigger
He'll find out when I pull the trigger

I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette
If he wants a fight well now he's got one
And he ain't seen me crazy yet

He slapped my face and he shook me like a rag doll
Don't that sound like a real man?
I'm gonna show him what little girls are made of
Gunpowder and,
Gunpowder and lead

*In case you didn't notice, you can listen to that song, there is a box towards the bottom of the page*

So I'm really pissed off about this whole Rihanna/Chris Brown thing. I think my biggest problem, is THAT WOMEN ARE STUPID. I mean, most of the stuff that we hear are rumors, but there has to be some merit to them, because they had to come from somewhere. I have heard that Chris Brown had been becoming increasingly abusive, yet she stayed with him. Then he beat the shit out of her in the car, and she married him? Really? That's the kinda girl I want to be a role model for my children. She's a winner. That is why women are stupid, who doesn't wanna stay with a guy who beats on her regularly, I'm sure it's just to keep some excitement in their relationship. She never knows when it's gonna come, but gosh darn it, we know it will.

The police report said that she was looking at his phone reading out loud texts from some other woman, and then Chris Brown tried to force her out of the car, then when he couldn't because she was wearing her seat belt. Then he pushed her head against the window, and then started punching her. He told her that he was going to beat the shit out of her when they got home. He bit her shoulders and fingers, and punched her some more. He also, threatened to kill her.

To top it off, Chris Brown's step dad used to beat the shit out of his mom, and he always thought he would end up in jail because he wanted to kill him. Yet, here he is beating the shit out of his girlfriend. I'm sure his mama is soo proud of him.

If a man ever lays a hand on me, I can almost guarantee, if I don't kill him, my dad will. Rihanna's parents, are apparently happy with however Rihanna decided to handle the situation. I think that Rihanna is a MORON, I hope she never has kids, because Chris Brown will probably beat them too.

Either way, my favorite part of that song is when she says, "you ain't seen me crazy yet," because no matter how crazy I am now, how many meds they try to put me out to regulate my mood. God help the poor son of bitch who lays a hand on me, because then you'll know what crazy is.

Update: Here is the link to Perez, with a copy of the detective report from Chris Brown's beating of Rihanna... http://perezhilton.com/2009-03-05-a-must-read-2

Moving Out?

I haven't had time to explain my moving out situation, but I will. Either way, I asked sent my dad an e-mail regarding moving in with him. My two questions were...

What would the rules be at your house?
Is there a closet in that room that I could hang up my clothes?

This is his response...

• No kite flying indoors.
• No guests above the first floor except for a bathroom break.
• Must take all medicines prescribed
• no smoking except on third floor
• 2nd floor tv on mute or headphones (provided)
• reasonable, sane conduct
• learn and use burgler alarm
• clean room and bathroom.
• Yes there is a closet
• Don't move stuff that is not yours
• Don't eat other peoples food without permission
• No off street parking provided but may be periodically available.
• Be nice to the animals.
• You get no pets. Too many now.
• No guns other than those provided, same for ammo.
• You may be terminated at any time with notice

...If I had more time I could think up more


My dad is a very special fellow. That is copied directly from the e-mail, I got it on my blackberry and came online to put it here, because I think he's funny.